Space Pirate Almanac: The Clowns of Juggalon

Juggalon Pirate

There are many motives for intelligent being to go out into the universe to colonize planets. Some do it for personal gain while others do it for spiritual growth. Some wish to flee oppressive governments or restrictive social norms. The reasons are as varied as there are stars in the sky.

One group went out to find a planet where they could laugh.

The inhabitants of Juggalon founded their world on the principles of comedy. They wanted to form a society that lived, breathed and grew as funny people. They adopted a strange lifestyle where the punchline is of the highest priority. On Juggalon, there is no such thing as a sad clown, unless it is funny.

Their version of comedy however can seem simplistic to outsiders. They are jaded to most forms of comedy and therefore rely on the classics. Cream pies never go out of style to Juggalons. Neither does seltzer water to the face, a dangerously placed banana or a shower of confetti.

Over the centuries, the Juggalons have embraced genetic alteration to help them achieve their ideal form. Pale skin, red lips and unusual feet sizes are the norm.

Just because they are clowns does not mean that they are not functioning members of their society. They have police, doctors, lawyers, farmers, and any profession that you can imagine. They even have criminals. The only difference is on Juggalon, all of these professionals also have a comedy routine. And probably something that explodes and makes a rude noise.

Lately though, some Juggalons have grown unhappy with their planet and have begun to explore the universe. People are seeing more clowns traveling on starships, visiting distant space stations and touring the space lanes. Some clowns have even resorted to space piracy with increasing numbers.

*Source for Clown Pirate picture can be found here*

The Marauding Duo Aftermath

Captain Grognard wiped the sweat from his brow. He was surrounded by Space Orcs. The objective was just past the hill but an Orc tank was right on the spot. It looked bleak.

“Make a move already,” Notwe said. The burly merchant couldn’t shut up for a moment. “You’re drekked no matter what you do.”

Grognard shook his head. Arris Station was a haven for pirates and smugglers but it was terrible for finding gamers to play against. Normally Grognard made due with what he could find but the repairs on the Reroll were going to take a while. He didn’t like the idea of playing Grimhammer 50K against rude bastards like Notwe for that long.

He touched a button on the holodisplay. A handful of unengaged Space Elves activated their jump packs and skipped over most of the Space Orc army. They landed on the tank and engaged in hand to hand.

Grognard and Newte were silent as the holographic models attacked each other. Numbers streamed on the side as combat calculations were being performed. Finally the tank exploded and the Space Elves stood victorious on the objective point. 

“Space Elf victory!” the game announced.

“You lucky piece of drek!” Newte yelled.

Grognard stood up. “Thanks for the game,” he said. Then he pulled out a hand needler and shot Newte. The foul mouthed merchant fell to the ground, foaming at the mouth as a dozen toxins killed him.

“That’s for being a bad sport,” Grognard said.

His communicator beeped. It was Quartermistress Danica with the report from the ships they took.

***
Welcome to the Aftermath section of the latest pirate Patrol mission. There was one PEF left on the board before the pirates had to retreat but they did get a crapload of loot before then.

Firt though, we should check the Campaign Morale. We didn’t complete our Patrol Mission so we only roll 1d6 against the Campaign Morale of 4. I roll a 4 and get one success. The GP Ring rolls against their morale of 3, and get a 5 and a 6. Lucky break for me! My Campaign Morale stays where it is. I guess the pirates liked the loot they got.

Next we have possible Rep adjustments. First The Reroll. We had a Rep of 5, which went down to 4 after a bad boarding action but we roll against the original 5. I roll a 5 and my Rep stays where it is at 4. Oh well, some butt whoopings leave a mark.

The Slapstick rolls. They had a Rep of 4 and it stayed there. I roll a 4 so no change.

Even though I came up with rules for Contraband back in January, I didn’t get a chance to try them until now. Let’s see what I rolled.

Grand Freighter:
CB 1 – Commodities for CV of 5
CB 2 – Commodities for CV of 5
CB 3 – Commodities for CV of 5
CB 4 – Commodities for CV of 5
CB 5 – Commodities for CV of 5
CB 6 – Commodities for CV of 5
CB 7 – Rarities for CV of 25
CB 8 – Goods for CV of 15
CB 9 – Commodities for CV of 5
CB 10 – Destroyed.
Total – 75

Tanker:
CB 1 – Commodities for CV of 4
CB 2 – Commodities for CV of 4
CB 3 – Commodities for CV of 4
CB 4 – Commodities for CV of 4
CB 5 – Commodities for CV of 4
CB 6 – Goods for a CV of 12
CB 7 – Goods for a CV of 12
CB 8 – Goods for a CV of 12
Total – 56

Freighter:
CB 1 – Goods for CV of 9
CB 2- Contraband for CV of 30 Weapons, I made the controlled contraband roll for full value.
CB 3- Contraband for CV of 30. Slaves! Pirates free them for CV 0 but +1 die for recruitment roll.
CB 4 – Commodities for CV of 3
CB 5 – Goods for CV of 9
CB 6 – destroyed
Total - 51

Runner:
CB 1 – Rarities for CV of 15
CB 2 – Contraband for CV of 30. Weapons, I only made one controlled looting success, for CV 15
CB 3 – Goods for CV of 9.
Total – 39

Grand Total = 221 CV

I am also using some ship salvage rules where you get 1 CV for every class of a ship that has been captured. The Freighter was destroyed, the Grand Freighter was allowed to leave with the crew but the other two remained for a total of 7 CV.

You know, single digit CV’s might not be worth tracking in the future. I may drop my ship salvage rules as unnecessary bookkeeping.

Anyhoo, the previous CV of the pirates’ haul was 76 so now we have a total of 297. We’ll spend 200 CV to roll on the Recruitment Table. Because we freed some slaves, I’ll roll 3d6 against the campaign morale of 4 and count success. I roll a 2,2 and 4. We get a recruit! Go me!

We roll and get a Class 4 Ravager with a Rep of 4. Nice. I’m going to need some time think about this new Captain.

***

Grognard looked at Newte’s twitchy body. It was the first time he killed someone for being a rude player and he was surprised at how good it felt. The only downside was that the few other gamers in Arris Station might decline to play against Grognard now.

He activated his communicator. “Jarella, didn’t you tell me that there was a civilized planet nearby?”

Jarella snorted. “I wouldn’t call New Hope civilized but yeah, it’s there.”

“Repairs are going to take a week,” Grognard said. “Get me a shuttle to New Hope. I need to find a gaming store.”

The Maurading Duo Minus One Part Two

Grognard ate a pretzel as he walked down the corridors of The Slapstick. He avoided a banana, a tripwire connected to a perched bucket and a surprisingly deep puddle. After a week on board the clown pirates’ ship, he barely noticed the hazards.

His mind was on other things. He was getting a bit worried about his time spent here. He was noticing small changes in himself. He felt like his shoes were too small. He found himself flirting with pale clowns with big balloons. Yesterday he was smacked in the face with a fish and he had laughed.

Grognard prayed to the Lords of Space that he was not becoming a clown.

“Commodore to the bridge!” his communicator beeped.

Grognard rushed to the bridge. There were two unidentified contacts in the system around Wal-Targ 3 and the Slapstick was en route to the closest one. The sooner they identified and resolved these contacts, the sooner Grognard could get back to his own ship.

Captain Ticklepoke greeted him when he walked in. She had two large flowers on her bikini top. “Rear-Admiral, we have two yachts in sight.”

“Yachts?” Grognard said. “Sounds expensive.”

Captain Ticklepoke nodded. One of the flowers sprayed water onto his face. He stood there and took it until the minute long discharge was done.

“I’m not thirsty anymore!” he quipped. The clowns laughed.

He sat down at his chair. He caught himself smiling. It was worrisome.

The tactical screen shows the yacht’s designations. One was called Your Girlfriend and the other was called Booty-Wagon. The Slapstick had jumped in close and heading straight for them. These clowns knew their scanners.

Ticklepoke ordered the clowns to strike Your Girlfriend. The Slaptick’s single gun fired at a single point in the yacht’s shields in an attempt to weaken it and break through. The chances of it working were low but it was all they could. It was the only way they were going to crack the yacht’s shield.

Grognard laughed as Your Girlfriend’s shield flickered out. These clowns had a knack for beating the odds!

The yachts returned fire. They were concentrating their fire to crack The Slapstick’s shield. Grognard watched the tactical screen closely as the shield emitter report came in. The shield was holding but just barely.

“Wait, are they calling for help?” Grognard asked.

The clown on comms answered. “They are as quiet as a flippity mime!”

“Hmm,” Grognard said. They must be smugglers who don’t want any attention. That was fine with him.

The ships continued on their course towards each other with guns blazing. The Slapstick got within missile range and fired a missile at Earl and saved their guns for the unshielded Your Girlfriend.

Grognard watched as Earl almost evaded the missile but took a hit. According to scans, they took slight damage to the hull.

Meanwhile, The Slapstick’s gun missed Your Girlfriend completely. Apparently shields were easier to hit than ships.

“Earl is waving white socks!” a clown announced. It took Grognard a second to realize they this was clown-speak for surrendering.

“Send Dr. Nose and his bloopy crew over!” Captain Ticklepoke said. “Tell them to head back to our rendezvous!” 

Your Girlfriend had no intentions of giving up. The yacht slowed dramatically down in front of the Slapstick and opened fire at point blank range. The yacht’s guns overwhelmed the Slapstick’s last shield. They also fired a missile!

Image of the Battle provided by Spy Satellite Virgin-Sprint #970

Grognard was nearly thrown from his seat as the helmsclown threw everything into an evasion maneuver. Thankfully, the missile missed!

The runner started to turn to flee. The Slapstick opened fire and missed. Grognard realized that all his battle simulation games never took into account how demoralizing it was to miss at such close range.

“After them!” Captain Ticklepoke said. The Slapstick adjusted course in pursuit. Both ships were equally fast so they should be able to keep up with the speedy yacht.

A barrage of shots came from the yacht. Grognard was painfully aware of their ship’s lack of shields. Thankfully, the clowns were good at dodging.

The clowns were also good at shooting. An explosion erupted from the top of the yacht. Grognard checked the tactical screen and let out a cheer. They had hit Your Girlfriend’s bridge! Not many ships can take a hit like that and keep going!

The Slapstick shook violently. Power went out and was replaced by emergency lights. Grognard slapped the blank tactical screen until it rebooted.

The Slapstick had taken a hit to the engines. Power was fluctuating. All the clowns on the bridge stopped giggling, which was the scariest thing Grognard had ever seen.

“Break off and run away like our pants are on fire!” Captain Ticklepoke said.

Grognard agreed. Your Girlfriend would get away today. The slapstick was done pirating until they got back to port.

He let out a sigh. Maybe it was for the best. If he stayed any longer on board this ship, he might get his nose replaced with a cyber red one.

The thought made him laugh.

The Marauding Duo Minus One Part One

The airlock opened and Captain Grognard stepped aboard The Slapstick. The smell of cotton candy was everywhere. A clown walked by and slipped on a banana. Grognard wasn’t surprised.

A small clown on a tricycle motioned at Grognard to follow him. Grognard followed the small clown through twisting corridor lined with odd mirrors. There were clowns everywhere. The Slapstick was half the size of The Reroll but it appeared to have twice as many crew members. Where did they all fit?

They entered the bridge. Clowns were busy manning consoles and honking each others’ noses. The large monitor was covered in various cream pie explosions. Carnival music played.

Captain Ticklepoke stood up from her chair. The pale clown had been braiding her orange frizzy hair with balloon animals. She looked at Grognard and snapped a salute that popped one of her balloon animals.

“Admiral! Please, sit in the chair we made for you!” she said.

The bridge clowns giggled and tried to keep straight faces.

It was obviously a trap but Grognard needed these clowns. He had transferred command to The Slapstick because there were two more unidentified contacts out there that might be laden with treasure. He might give them orders, but he needed them to want to obey him.

He went to the chair and sat down in it. An exaggerated long fart noise blasted through the bridge. The clowns all looked at him with faux shocked faces.

“Excuuuuuuuuse me,” Grognard said. He waved his hand to clear the imaginary fart.

The clowns burst out laughing. Captain Ticklepoke smiled at him with admiration. He had earned the clowns’ respect.

“Contact at six boobpity-poo!” the sensors clown said.

“What?” Grognard said. “Already?” They just had an engagement less than six hours ago. This sector of space was crowded today!

Ticklepoke went into action. “Arm laser thingys! Prepare the pie launchers! Secure the seltzer! Full speed ahead!”

The clowns went into action. Grognard watched in fascination. People tended to dismiss the weird worshipers of the clown cults, but they forget that even clowns have things to do. The Slapstick went into battle readiness in seconds.

Grognard looked at the tactical screen on his command chair. The ship had been identified as a simple Freighter. It was called The Delayed Quote. It wasn’t a big prize but it would be better than nothing.

To Grognard’s surprise, The Slapstick managed to jump very close to The Delayed Quote. These clowns were better with their scanners than his own pirates.

The freighter began to turn and The Slapstick zoomed into missile range. Grognard shook his head. He was going to order some sort of exchange program so his pirates could learn a thing or two from these clowns.

The Slapstick launched a missile. Grognard watched with glee as The Delayed Quote utterly failed to evade it. The glee turned to disbelief as he saw the missile vaporize a cargo bay.

Maybe there wasn’t as much to learn from clowns as he thought.

The Delayed Quote was running away. They fired their guns but they were too weak against The Slapstick’s shields.

The Slapstick fired another missile. Gorgnard held his breath as the missile smashed into the freighter. He let it out when he saw the freighter’s shields wink out of existence.

“Sheilds are down!” he yelled. “Fire all guns!”

The Slapstick responded. Sadly, they only had the one gun and Grognard sighed as it missed the slow moving freighter.

Yeah, aim was definitely a problem for these clowns.

“They are hollering for their momma!” a clown yelled.

Grognard interpreted that to mean that the freighter was calling for help. The pirates had jut come from a battle where the Star Navy sent two waves of help. He hoped that all available military forces had been exhausted.

Battle images provided by VirginFox Satellite #312

The Slapstick kept firing. Miss after miss shot past the unshielded freighter. Grognard wondered if it was sort of a joke that he didn’t understand.

At least the missiles were hitting. Grognard watched as bits of the freighter’s hull were blasted off. The clowns had stopped hitting cargo bays but he knew that could change at any moment.

A shudder went through the ship. Grognard was bounced around so much that he reactivated the fart simulator.

“They blew our bleeping blooping shields!” a clown reported.

Lords of Space! The freaking merchants took one of their shields? Grognard swore to look into maybe hiring merchant gunners.

“Time to make them laugh!” Ticklepoke said. She looked defiant and angry which was hard to do with balloon animals in your hair. “Board them and take them!”

Grognard had a bad case of déjà vu. The last time he ordered a boarding, they got their booty kicked. What were these clowns going to do?

The Slapstick matched speeds with The Delayed Quote. Striped airlocks extended and latched on. The carnival music on the ship changed to something far more sinister yet weirdly upbeat.

“Send in the clowns!” Captain Ticklepoke cried.

Grognard wondered what it must look like for the poor freighter crew. They would see the airlocks burst open and hordes of clowns pour through. They would be killed by lethal shock buzzers, hilariously big pistols and buckets of confetti that was really nanonites that would tear their flesh apart. It would be horrifying.

Several long minutes passed.

“The freighter crew is dead!” a clown announced.

The clowns cheered. Several of them honked with glee. Grognard was stunned. The clowns had slaughtered everyone. These clowns were bad asses!

He was in for another surprise. Captain Ticklepoke jumped with joy and grabbed Grognard. She kissed him and he found himself kissing her back.

She tasted funny; like sugar and corn dogs.

“Empty the freighter and blow her up!” Captain Ticklepoke said. “Party in the Center Ring tonight!”

The clowns cheered. Grognard cheered too. Ticklepoke winked at him and he felt his cheeks burn. He hoped that he survived this party.

The Maurading Duo Aftermath

Captain Grognard drained his mug. The rum soaked into his body. A pleasant warmness came over him. He felt his worries slipping away.

“Damage report, Captain,” someone said. He took the report and read it. The warm feeling turned cold and his worries returned. The hull was barely holding together. AA guns were completely offline. Even the engine had taken a hit. There was no way that they were going back into battle any time soon.

“Isis, pull up the scans,” Grognard said. He took another sip from his mug but it was empty. “Someone get me a fresh cup!”

The long range scans appeared on the screen. There were two blips out in the darkness of space. They could be nothing. They could be a whole lot of trouble.

Grognard grunted. The smart thing would be to go home now and repair. That isn’t what his crew would want; not those bastards. They would want to lay eyes on those two blips. They would want to make sure that they weren’t fat freighters loaded with treasure.

If Grognard went home now and they never found out what dangers that blips held, the crew would whisper about how they might have lost the score of a lifetime. The whispers would turn into grumbles and before you knew it, half of them might decide to desert at the next port.  

Right now, Grognard really hated pirates. And he hated not having rum.

“Where is my cup?” he yelled.

Someone passed him a full mug of rum. He drank it. He hated pirates a little less.

“I have an estimate from our captures,” Danica said.

Grognard looked at the Quartermistress. Oh yeah, they did capture two ships during that disastrous battle with the Star Navy fighters. With the way his luck had been running, it was probably just a bunch of raw goods and processed sewage.

He looked at the list. First was the Grand Freighter. What was it carrying that it fought so hard to protect? Fruit, fruit, fruit and more fruit. Lords of Space! That is what he gets for raiding Zhuh-Zhuh ships. He kept reading. Fruit, fruit, platinum bricks, fruit yogurt and fruit.

“Wait, platinum bricks?” Grognard said?

Danica smiled. Her olive skin was glowing. “Yeah, a whole cargo bay’s worth.”

Grognard put down his mug of rum. The warm feeling was coming back. “What about the tanker?”

Danica handed him another list. The warm feeling turned cold.

"Fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit," Grognard said out loud. "Did we raid a grocer?"

Danica nodded. "I think so."

"Oh wait, they also have fruit paste, fruit cups and fruit gum," Grognard says. "Well that makes it all good then." 

“They are,” Danica said. She was grinning from ear to ear. “I think we have 131 MegaCreds between both ships.”

Grognard stood up. he was not going home with precious metals and an assortment of fruits. The annoyance was turning into a hot lust for more treasure.

“Isis, notify the Slapstick,” he said.

“Shall I tell them to return to port?” Isis asked.

“Hell no,” Grognard said. “Inform them that I am coming aboard. I am transferring command. The Reroll can return to port. I have more blips to investigate!”

The Maurading Duo Part Three

“Lords of Space!” Grognard swore. He stared at the tactical screen. Three squads of Star Navy fighters were coming and coming fast.

“Is there a Navy fleet nearby that I don’t know about?” Grognard asked.

No one answered.

“You know what, drek them!” Grognard said. “We have anti-aircraft guns, right? How tough can they be? Just keep firing at the merchants! Fire at will!”

The pirates embraced his orders. The Reroll and The Slapstick split their fire on both merchants. Explosions appeared on both merchant ships. It was an ugly assault of lasers and missiles. Hulls were damaged and shields were failing.

Sadly, a cargo bay on the Grand Freighter also exploded and this time, they couldn’t blame the clowns. It was The Reroll that hit it.

“Let’s board The Low Growl,” Grognard said. “It might be safer for the treasure that way.”

“We just hit the bridge of The Wray!” Isis announced. “They are surrendering!”

“Yeah, us!” Grognard said. “Send a trophy crew over ASAP! Where are those fighters?”

“Still closing, are trying to catch up to our pursuit!” Isis said.

“Ha, the battle might be won before they get here,” Grognard said. He felt a little wobbly. It had been a long fight and he had drunk a lot of rum.

The last Grand Freighter kept fleeing. They were down to one gun and it wouldn’t even scratch The Slapstick’s shields. Grognard watched as the pirates kept firing. Isis repeated reports of hull hits as they slowly chipped away at the Grand Freighter.

“Ready to board,” Red Hanna reported. They were right on top of The Low Growl.

“Commence boarding,” Grognard said. “And tell them to be quick; those fighters will get here any minute.”

The firing finally stopped. The Reroll docked with The Low Growl and the assault began.

It felt strange. There was nothing to watch on the tactical screen. There was no movement of tokens across a battle mat. All Grognard could do was wait.

Waiting sucked.

“Captain, we have a report from the boarding crew,” Blackjack said. “Putting it on speaker.”

“HE JUST RIPPED KYLE’S ARM OFF! RUN RUN RUN! Ru-Ack!”

“Drek,” Grognard said.

“Uh, not many came back sir,” Blackjack said.

“Maybe hand to hand with those monkeys was a bad idea,” Grognard said. “Drek it, blow them out of the sky!”

“Fighters are here!” Isis said.

“Keep calm and fire the anti-aircraft guns,” Grognard said.

The ship shook. Warning klaxons sounded. The damage screen on Grognard’s command chair scrolled with endless updates.

“Direct hit to decks, three, four and the engines! Hull is down to sixty percent integrity!” Donna reported. The fearsome pirate looked pale which was quite impressive for a person with brown skin.  

“Lords of Space!” Grognard swore. “What the hell are our AA guns doing?”

“They’re too fast!” Donna snapped. The ship shook and the power flickered. “Hull is down to thirty percent integrity!”

Image of the battle provided by Googley Spy Satellite #92

 

“We have destroyed one fighter squad!” Isis reported.

The ship shook again. “We just lost all our AA’s!” Donna snapped.

“That does it! Get us out of here! Prepare for jump!” Grognard snapped.

He felt the comfortable vibration of the jump engines powering up. He just prayed that the fighters didn’t finish them off.

“Jump activated!”

Grognard let out a long sigh. He sat in his chair and looked at the damage report. Holy crap, he was going to take fighters a lot more seriously in the future. 

The Marauding Duo Part Two

“Concentrate fire on The Alpha Market!” Grognard ordered. “I want them to surrender before The Atlanta even gets here.”

The pirate fleet kept firing. Grognard drank his rum as the estimate damage reports came in. The Alpha Market lost a gun, some crew quarters and apparently a swimming pool. Not exactly crippling damage.

The merchants were still firing at The Reroll. The Atlanta was a long way off but they were attempting long distance attacks as well. The barrage of fire was a bit worrying but the shields held for now.

Grognard was so busy watching the shields report that he barely noticed when a laser shot from The Slapstick slammed into the thruster array on The Alpha Market. The engines on the Grand Freighter winked out.

“Captain, The Alpha Market just surrendered!” Isis reported.

“Thank the Lords of Space for pirate clowns!” Grognard said. “What about the other merchant?”

“They are ignoring our demands to surrender,” Isis reported.

“Send a trophy crew to The Alpha Market,” Grognard ordered. He watched as the pirates finally completed their turning arc and resumed pursuit of the merchants. The Atlanta had closed a lot of space and would be on them soon.

The shooting continued. The ranges were far but everyone was still trying. The pirates shifted their focus to the tanker since it was closest but the occasional shot that managed to hit bounced off its shield. The Atlanta was moving at high speed and quickly zipped past the fleeing merchants.

Grognard refilled his rum mug at the keg. He thought about having a keg installed in his command chair.

“Open fire on The Atlanta. Blast her from the sky!” Grognard said.

Image of the battle provided by Googley Spy Satellite #92

Missiles flew from The Reroll. Grognard chugged his rum as the Atlanta tried to evade. It almost succeeded but both missiles hit their mark. A shield flickered out and the missile launchers on the destroyer vanished into a cloud of debris.

Grognard choked on his rum. “Are they still alive?”

“Barely!” Isis reported. “Guns have missed and The Slapstick just blew up The Atlanta’s rec room. Still, they have no missiles and we destroyed their shields.”

“We really need to talk to those clowns about their aim,” Grognard said.

He watched as The Atlanta powered up their jump engines and vanished. Grognard threw his mug at the screen and rum splattered everywhere.

“We’ll kill you next time you fleeing bastards!” he swore.

The crew cheered his oath. Or maybe they cheered to hide their giggles at his little tantrum. Either way, Grognard was annoyed.

“Kill me some merchants,” he commanded. “Someone get me another mug!”

Grognard sat back in his chair. Someone handed him another mug full of rum.

The pursuit took place on the tactical screen. The merchants were slow but they had a head start from the pirate’s turning earlier. The merchants kept firing but the pirates held theirs. Grognard was tired of missing. He wanted to let the merchants freak out a little.

It only took a minute to catch up but the tensions kept building. Grognard felt his heart beat rise as they closed in. He wanted blood.

“Open fire on the tanker,” he commanded. The Grand Freighter would be a tougher nut to crack.

The Reroll and The Slapstick fired their guns. The Wray was remarkably durable. Damage was inflicted to the tanker’s hull but it kept steady.

“Fire missiles,” Grognard said.

Missiles from both pirate ships slammed into The Wray. Grognard felt a warm tingle at the sight of the carnage.

“They lost their guns!” Isis reported. “Uh, they also sent us an image of a pile of feces. I doubt they are surrendering.”

Grognard shook his head. And here he thought humans loved money. The Zhuh-Zhuh’s were stubborn monkeys. 

“Uhh, Captain?” Isis said.

He did not like that tone. “What is it?” he asked.

“More Star Navy forces are arriving from Galactic West. Three squads of fighters.”

To be continued

The Marauding Duo Part One

Captain Grognard looked at the four candidates for the position of Cabin Woman. Each of them was beautiful. Each of them was also willing to do damn near anything to get out of regular ship duties in exchange for being a personal companion to the Captain. All Grognard had to do was pick one but they had to be worthy.

“This token here represents five army units while this token represents only one,” Captain Grognard said. “Tokens can only move into adjacent sectors on the map.”

“Captain,” one the candidates purred. She licked her lips and straightened her back so her massive cleavage was in full display. “Wouldn’t you rather test our skills in a more carnal way rather than play some silly board game?”

“You’re out,” Captain Grognard said. “Go, get back to your old job! I only accept Cabin Women who take strategic simulations seriously!”

A beep came from the intercom. “Captain, we have made sensor contact. Your presence is required on the bridge.”

“Already?” Captain Grognard said. They had just left port an hour ago. He thought that he had plenty of time to test his Cabin Women candidates in a grueling tournament of games. This was disappointing.

“You three, stay here and read the rules. You, report to your old post immediately.”

The top heavy non-gamer pouted. The Captain ignored her.

Grognard went straight to the bridge. The crew was alert and not drinking. That was new. They must have a worthy prize ahead of them.

“Report,” Grognard said. He stopped by the rum keg and used his special Captain’s mug.

“A fleet of three merchant vessels,” reported Isis on sensors. “2 Grand Freighters and a Tanker. They have Zhuh-Zhuh protocols. They identify as The Low Growl, The Alpha Market and The Wray.”

“Open a channel to The Slapstick,” Grognard ordered.

The screen changed to the bridge of the clown pirates. Captain Ticklepoke stood to attention and snapped a silly salute. Her cybernose honked.

“Ticklepoke, we’re going in at an angle,” Grognard said. “Stay slightly behind us and we’ll draw fire with out better shields.”

“Aye aye, Captain!” Ticklepoke said. She sat down and let out a comic fart.

The screen went blank. “I hope we didn’t make a mistake trusting these clowns,” Grognard said out loud.

The crew had no response.

“Red Hanna, plot a course for the merchants. Rory, hold fire until we get in missile range.”

Grognard watched the tactical screen as his plan went into action. The Slapstick fell into position behind and to the left of The Reroll. Well, at least those clowns can follow orders. What was more interesting were the Zhuh-Zhuh merchants. Instead of changing course, they were heading right for the pirates.

“Taking fire to the shields!” Donna reported. “They are concentrating fire on us but shields are holding!”

“What? Did those monkeys fire first?”

“Aye, Captain,” Isis said. “They also transmitted an image of a Zhuh-Zhuh’s hairy ass. I believe it is meant to be a threat.”

“Hold fire, I want to get within missile range.”

Captain Grognard drank his rum. These merchants were going to be fighters. The Grand Freighters were bigger ship and they would take some work to wear down. On the other hand, the lead Freighter was probably the flagship and if he took it down, the other two might surrender.

“When we get within range, aim for the The Alpha Market. Tell The Slapstick to aim for them as well.”

The Captain waited as they got closer. All three merchant ships were letting loose with their guns. It was a battering to The Reroll’s shields but they were holding. It felt very dramatic and heroic.

Finally they closed to missile range. Grognard smiled as the tactical screen showed the Grand Freighter trying to evade and failing pitifully. Explosions appeared on the screen followed by more explosions as The Reroll’s guns fired.

“We inflicted damage to their hull and one of their shields went down!” Isis reported.

“Let’s see how they like that,” Grognard said.

“They are returning fire! Shields still holding.”

“Yeah, I should have expected that,” Grognard said. “Keep attacking.”

Image of the battle provided by Googley Spy Satellite #92

The Reroll shook as it fired more weapons. The tactical screen showed the meager fire of The Slapstick’s smaller arsenal joining the fight. Grognard hoped this would convince the Zhuh-Zhuh to surrender.

“Captain, we’ve inflicted damage to their hull and we have completely destroyed their shields!” Isis reported. “The Slapstick’s gun hit and oh, drek.”

“Report!” Grognard yelled.

“The Slapstick destroyed one of The Alpha Market’s cargo bays!”

Grognard sighed. Ship targeting was not an exact science but why wasn’t he surprised that the drekking clowns blew up some drekking treasure? It was almost funny.

The merchants kept moving forward and were now passing the pirates. Grognard watched as the pirates began the slow turn to follow the merchants. Guns were still blazing on both sides as they maneuvered.

“Captain, there is an incoming ship responding to the Zhuh-Zhuh’s distress signal! Approaching from Galactic East!”

“Lords of Space!” Grognard swore. “How bad is it?”

“Just one Star Navy Destroyer. Sir, it’s The Atlanta!”

Grognard smiled. This would be their third encounter with the ship. Once the pirates ran away, and the second time, the destroyer fled. It was time to settle this.

To be continued

Resolving Pirate Patrol PEF's

I played a rather epic battle of Star Navy this week.  The battle itself had twists and turns and the total playtime went for quite awhile. I had no problem with the playtime taking so long as it was an epic fight, but the part I did mind was that when it came to resolving PEF's for my Pirate Patrol Mission, I had to do a lot of page flipping. 

It doesn't help that there is a section for resolving patrol mission PEF"s for a regular campaign, and a section for what parts to tweak of the previous section in order to run a pirate campaign.  Like any good pirate, I have created a fast and dirty cheat sheet. It breaks down the three steps that require charts for the PEF resolution but leaves out the fleet lists.  It assumes that you know how to do all of this but just need the right pages in one handy place.

I will be using this to help speed up future play and I am sharing it for my fellow pirates who may have encountered similar issues.

Click here to download the Pirate PEF cheatsheet

Space Pirate Almanac : Wal-Targ 3

Wal-Targ 3 is a commerce planet bought, terraformed and governed by the Wal-Targ Corporation during the 4th Galactic Expansion Wars. Like other Wal-Targ planets, the local merchant guilds and nearby planets battled bitterly to keep Wal-Targ out of their system but they ultiumately failed. Now 98% of legal commerce in the surrounding six sectors go through Wal-Targ 3.

Wal-Targ 3 is the distribution center for this corner of the galaxy. All raw goods, manufactured items and luxury goods pass through Wal-Targ 3 for processing before entering the wider market. Every merchant ship in the system is either en route to Wal-Targ 3 or leaving it. This makes Wal-Targ 3 a target rich environment for piracy.

The actual planet is a dreary place. Every inhabitant is a Wal-Targ employee working poverty wages to maintain their existence. This makes the area ripe for bribery by enterprising pirates as well as a good location to recruit desperate cutthroats who will gladly slash a throat instead of slashing prices.

The current governor is Sam Targ v24. Like all Wal-Targ planets, the governor is a clone of the Wal-Targ founder. When he dies, another version is decanted and put into service. This allows Wal-Targ 3 to benefit from Sam Targ’s legendary financial ruthlessness and hatred of organized labor. However, some genetic drift has been introduced into the clone line and Sam Targ v24 has been showing signs of an irrational obsession with keeping trench coats in stock at all times at all outlets which has greatly altered fashion choices in the surrounding systems. Genetiscts hope to correct this when Sam Targ v25 is decanted.

Be sure to avoid FoodCourtia, the Food Court city. It is common place to send problem Wal-Targ employees who will serve a lifetime of providing food to others. The murder rate is insanely high and the food is worse than on a Hishen slave ship.