The Maurading Duo Aftermath

Captain Grognard drained his mug. The rum soaked into his body. A pleasant warmness came over him. He felt his worries slipping away.

“Damage report, Captain,” someone said. He took the report and read it. The warm feeling turned cold and his worries returned. The hull was barely holding together. AA guns were completely offline. Even the engine had taken a hit. There was no way that they were going back into battle any time soon.

“Isis, pull up the scans,” Grognard said. He took another sip from his mug but it was empty. “Someone get me a fresh cup!”

The long range scans appeared on the screen. There were two blips out in the darkness of space. They could be nothing. They could be a whole lot of trouble.

Grognard grunted. The smart thing would be to go home now and repair. That isn’t what his crew would want; not those bastards. They would want to lay eyes on those two blips. They would want to make sure that they weren’t fat freighters loaded with treasure.

If Grognard went home now and they never found out what dangers that blips held, the crew would whisper about how they might have lost the score of a lifetime. The whispers would turn into grumbles and before you knew it, half of them might decide to desert at the next port.  

Right now, Grognard really hated pirates. And he hated not having rum.

“Where is my cup?” he yelled.

Someone passed him a full mug of rum. He drank it. He hated pirates a little less.

“I have an estimate from our captures,” Danica said.

Grognard looked at the Quartermistress. Oh yeah, they did capture two ships during that disastrous battle with the Star Navy fighters. With the way his luck had been running, it was probably just a bunch of raw goods and processed sewage.

He looked at the list. First was the Grand Freighter. What was it carrying that it fought so hard to protect? Fruit, fruit, fruit and more fruit. Lords of Space! That is what he gets for raiding Zhuh-Zhuh ships. He kept reading. Fruit, fruit, platinum bricks, fruit yogurt and fruit.

“Wait, platinum bricks?” Grognard said?

Danica smiled. Her olive skin was glowing. “Yeah, a whole cargo bay’s worth.”

Grognard put down his mug of rum. The warm feeling was coming back. “What about the tanker?”

Danica handed him another list. The warm feeling turned cold.

"Fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit," Grognard said out loud. "Did we raid a grocer?"

Danica nodded. "I think so."

"Oh wait, they also have fruit paste, fruit cups and fruit gum," Grognard says. "Well that makes it all good then." 

“They are,” Danica said. She was grinning from ear to ear. “I think we have 131 MegaCreds between both ships.”

Grognard stood up. he was not going home with precious metals and an assortment of fruits. The annoyance was turning into a hot lust for more treasure.

“Isis, notify the Slapstick,” he said.

“Shall I tell them to return to port?” Isis asked.

“Hell no,” Grognard said. “Inform them that I am coming aboard. I am transferring command. The Reroll can return to port. I have more blips to investigate!”

The Maurading Duo Part Three

“Lords of Space!” Grognard swore. He stared at the tactical screen. Three squads of Star Navy fighters were coming and coming fast.

“Is there a Navy fleet nearby that I don’t know about?” Grognard asked.

No one answered.

“You know what, drek them!” Grognard said. “We have anti-aircraft guns, right? How tough can they be? Just keep firing at the merchants! Fire at will!”

The pirates embraced his orders. The Reroll and The Slapstick split their fire on both merchants. Explosions appeared on both merchant ships. It was an ugly assault of lasers and missiles. Hulls were damaged and shields were failing.

Sadly, a cargo bay on the Grand Freighter also exploded and this time, they couldn’t blame the clowns. It was The Reroll that hit it.

“Let’s board The Low Growl,” Grognard said. “It might be safer for the treasure that way.”

“We just hit the bridge of The Wray!” Isis announced. “They are surrendering!”

“Yeah, us!” Grognard said. “Send a trophy crew over ASAP! Where are those fighters?”

“Still closing, are trying to catch up to our pursuit!” Isis said.

“Ha, the battle might be won before they get here,” Grognard said. He felt a little wobbly. It had been a long fight and he had drunk a lot of rum.

The last Grand Freighter kept fleeing. They were down to one gun and it wouldn’t even scratch The Slapstick’s shields. Grognard watched as the pirates kept firing. Isis repeated reports of hull hits as they slowly chipped away at the Grand Freighter.

“Ready to board,” Red Hanna reported. They were right on top of The Low Growl.

“Commence boarding,” Grognard said. “And tell them to be quick; those fighters will get here any minute.”

The firing finally stopped. The Reroll docked with The Low Growl and the assault began.

It felt strange. There was nothing to watch on the tactical screen. There was no movement of tokens across a battle mat. All Grognard could do was wait.

Waiting sucked.

“Captain, we have a report from the boarding crew,” Blackjack said. “Putting it on speaker.”

“HE JUST RIPPED KYLE’S ARM OFF! RUN RUN RUN! Ru-Ack!”

“Drek,” Grognard said.

“Uh, not many came back sir,” Blackjack said.

“Maybe hand to hand with those monkeys was a bad idea,” Grognard said. “Drek it, blow them out of the sky!”

“Fighters are here!” Isis said.

“Keep calm and fire the anti-aircraft guns,” Grognard said.

The ship shook. Warning klaxons sounded. The damage screen on Grognard’s command chair scrolled with endless updates.

“Direct hit to decks, three, four and the engines! Hull is down to sixty percent integrity!” Donna reported. The fearsome pirate looked pale which was quite impressive for a person with brown skin.  

“Lords of Space!” Grognard swore. “What the hell are our AA guns doing?”

“They’re too fast!” Donna snapped. The ship shook and the power flickered. “Hull is down to thirty percent integrity!”

Image of the battle provided by Googley Spy Satellite #92

 

“We have destroyed one fighter squad!” Isis reported.

The ship shook again. “We just lost all our AA’s!” Donna snapped.

“That does it! Get us out of here! Prepare for jump!” Grognard snapped.

He felt the comfortable vibration of the jump engines powering up. He just prayed that the fighters didn’t finish them off.

“Jump activated!”

Grognard let out a long sigh. He sat in his chair and looked at the damage report. Holy crap, he was going to take fighters a lot more seriously in the future. 

The Marauding Duo Part Two

“Concentrate fire on The Alpha Market!” Grognard ordered. “I want them to surrender before The Atlanta even gets here.”

The pirate fleet kept firing. Grognard drank his rum as the estimate damage reports came in. The Alpha Market lost a gun, some crew quarters and apparently a swimming pool. Not exactly crippling damage.

The merchants were still firing at The Reroll. The Atlanta was a long way off but they were attempting long distance attacks as well. The barrage of fire was a bit worrying but the shields held for now.

Grognard was so busy watching the shields report that he barely noticed when a laser shot from The Slapstick slammed into the thruster array on The Alpha Market. The engines on the Grand Freighter winked out.

“Captain, The Alpha Market just surrendered!” Isis reported.

“Thank the Lords of Space for pirate clowns!” Grognard said. “What about the other merchant?”

“They are ignoring our demands to surrender,” Isis reported.

“Send a trophy crew to The Alpha Market,” Grognard ordered. He watched as the pirates finally completed their turning arc and resumed pursuit of the merchants. The Atlanta had closed a lot of space and would be on them soon.

The shooting continued. The ranges were far but everyone was still trying. The pirates shifted their focus to the tanker since it was closest but the occasional shot that managed to hit bounced off its shield. The Atlanta was moving at high speed and quickly zipped past the fleeing merchants.

Grognard refilled his rum mug at the keg. He thought about having a keg installed in his command chair.

“Open fire on The Atlanta. Blast her from the sky!” Grognard said.

Image of the battle provided by Googley Spy Satellite #92

Missiles flew from The Reroll. Grognard chugged his rum as the Atlanta tried to evade. It almost succeeded but both missiles hit their mark. A shield flickered out and the missile launchers on the destroyer vanished into a cloud of debris.

Grognard choked on his rum. “Are they still alive?”

“Barely!” Isis reported. “Guns have missed and The Slapstick just blew up The Atlanta’s rec room. Still, they have no missiles and we destroyed their shields.”

“We really need to talk to those clowns about their aim,” Grognard said.

He watched as The Atlanta powered up their jump engines and vanished. Grognard threw his mug at the screen and rum splattered everywhere.

“We’ll kill you next time you fleeing bastards!” he swore.

The crew cheered his oath. Or maybe they cheered to hide their giggles at his little tantrum. Either way, Grognard was annoyed.

“Kill me some merchants,” he commanded. “Someone get me another mug!”

Grognard sat back in his chair. Someone handed him another mug full of rum.

The pursuit took place on the tactical screen. The merchants were slow but they had a head start from the pirate’s turning earlier. The merchants kept firing but the pirates held theirs. Grognard was tired of missing. He wanted to let the merchants freak out a little.

It only took a minute to catch up but the tensions kept building. Grognard felt his heart beat rise as they closed in. He wanted blood.

“Open fire on the tanker,” he commanded. The Grand Freighter would be a tougher nut to crack.

The Reroll and The Slapstick fired their guns. The Wray was remarkably durable. Damage was inflicted to the tanker’s hull but it kept steady.

“Fire missiles,” Grognard said.

Missiles from both pirate ships slammed into The Wray. Grognard felt a warm tingle at the sight of the carnage.

“They lost their guns!” Isis reported. “Uh, they also sent us an image of a pile of feces. I doubt they are surrendering.”

Grognard shook his head. And here he thought humans loved money. The Zhuh-Zhuh’s were stubborn monkeys. 

“Uhh, Captain?” Isis said.

He did not like that tone. “What is it?” he asked.

“More Star Navy forces are arriving from Galactic West. Three squads of fighters.”

To be continued

The Marauding Duo Part One

Captain Grognard looked at the four candidates for the position of Cabin Woman. Each of them was beautiful. Each of them was also willing to do damn near anything to get out of regular ship duties in exchange for being a personal companion to the Captain. All Grognard had to do was pick one but they had to be worthy.

“This token here represents five army units while this token represents only one,” Captain Grognard said. “Tokens can only move into adjacent sectors on the map.”

“Captain,” one the candidates purred. She licked her lips and straightened her back so her massive cleavage was in full display. “Wouldn’t you rather test our skills in a more carnal way rather than play some silly board game?”

“You’re out,” Captain Grognard said. “Go, get back to your old job! I only accept Cabin Women who take strategic simulations seriously!”

A beep came from the intercom. “Captain, we have made sensor contact. Your presence is required on the bridge.”

“Already?” Captain Grognard said. They had just left port an hour ago. He thought that he had plenty of time to test his Cabin Women candidates in a grueling tournament of games. This was disappointing.

“You three, stay here and read the rules. You, report to your old post immediately.”

The top heavy non-gamer pouted. The Captain ignored her.

Grognard went straight to the bridge. The crew was alert and not drinking. That was new. They must have a worthy prize ahead of them.

“Report,” Grognard said. He stopped by the rum keg and used his special Captain’s mug.

“A fleet of three merchant vessels,” reported Isis on sensors. “2 Grand Freighters and a Tanker. They have Zhuh-Zhuh protocols. They identify as The Low Growl, The Alpha Market and The Wray.”

“Open a channel to The Slapstick,” Grognard ordered.

The screen changed to the bridge of the clown pirates. Captain Ticklepoke stood to attention and snapped a silly salute. Her cybernose honked.

“Ticklepoke, we’re going in at an angle,” Grognard said. “Stay slightly behind us and we’ll draw fire with out better shields.”

“Aye aye, Captain!” Ticklepoke said. She sat down and let out a comic fart.

The screen went blank. “I hope we didn’t make a mistake trusting these clowns,” Grognard said out loud.

The crew had no response.

“Red Hanna, plot a course for the merchants. Rory, hold fire until we get in missile range.”

Grognard watched the tactical screen as his plan went into action. The Slapstick fell into position behind and to the left of The Reroll. Well, at least those clowns can follow orders. What was more interesting were the Zhuh-Zhuh merchants. Instead of changing course, they were heading right for the pirates.

“Taking fire to the shields!” Donna reported. “They are concentrating fire on us but shields are holding!”

“What? Did those monkeys fire first?”

“Aye, Captain,” Isis said. “They also transmitted an image of a Zhuh-Zhuh’s hairy ass. I believe it is meant to be a threat.”

“Hold fire, I want to get within missile range.”

Captain Grognard drank his rum. These merchants were going to be fighters. The Grand Freighters were bigger ship and they would take some work to wear down. On the other hand, the lead Freighter was probably the flagship and if he took it down, the other two might surrender.

“When we get within range, aim for the The Alpha Market. Tell The Slapstick to aim for them as well.”

The Captain waited as they got closer. All three merchant ships were letting loose with their guns. It was a battering to The Reroll’s shields but they were holding. It felt very dramatic and heroic.

Finally they closed to missile range. Grognard smiled as the tactical screen showed the Grand Freighter trying to evade and failing pitifully. Explosions appeared on the screen followed by more explosions as The Reroll’s guns fired.

“We inflicted damage to their hull and one of their shields went down!” Isis reported.

“Let’s see how they like that,” Grognard said.

“They are returning fire! Shields still holding.”

“Yeah, I should have expected that,” Grognard said. “Keep attacking.”

Image of the battle provided by Googley Spy Satellite #92

The Reroll shook as it fired more weapons. The tactical screen showed the meager fire of The Slapstick’s smaller arsenal joining the fight. Grognard hoped this would convince the Zhuh-Zhuh to surrender.

“Captain, we’ve inflicted damage to their hull and we have completely destroyed their shields!” Isis reported. “The Slapstick’s gun hit and oh, drek.”

“Report!” Grognard yelled.

“The Slapstick destroyed one of The Alpha Market’s cargo bays!”

Grognard sighed. Ship targeting was not an exact science but why wasn’t he surprised that the drekking clowns blew up some drekking treasure? It was almost funny.

The merchants kept moving forward and were now passing the pirates. Grognard watched as the pirates began the slow turn to follow the merchants. Guns were still blazing on both sides as they maneuvered.

“Captain, there is an incoming ship responding to the Zhuh-Zhuh’s distress signal! Approaching from Galactic East!”

“Lords of Space!” Grognard swore. “How bad is it?”

“Just one Star Navy Destroyer. Sir, it’s The Atlanta!”

Grognard smiled. This would be their third encounter with the ship. Once the pirates ran away, and the second time, the destroyer fled. It was time to settle this.

To be continued

Resolving Pirate Patrol PEF's

I played a rather epic battle of Star Navy this week.  The battle itself had twists and turns and the total playtime went for quite awhile. I had no problem with the playtime taking so long as it was an epic fight, but the part I did mind was that when it came to resolving PEF's for my Pirate Patrol Mission, I had to do a lot of page flipping. 

It doesn't help that there is a section for resolving patrol mission PEF"s for a regular campaign, and a section for what parts to tweak of the previous section in order to run a pirate campaign.  Like any good pirate, I have created a fast and dirty cheat sheet. It breaks down the three steps that require charts for the PEF resolution but leaves out the fleet lists.  It assumes that you know how to do all of this but just need the right pages in one handy place.

I will be using this to help speed up future play and I am sharing it for my fellow pirates who may have encountered similar issues.

Click here to download the Pirate PEF cheatsheet

Space Pirate Almanac : Wal-Targ 3

Wal-Targ 3 is a commerce planet bought, terraformed and governed by the Wal-Targ Corporation during the 4th Galactic Expansion Wars. Like other Wal-Targ planets, the local merchant guilds and nearby planets battled bitterly to keep Wal-Targ out of their system but they ultiumately failed. Now 98% of legal commerce in the surrounding six sectors go through Wal-Targ 3.

Wal-Targ 3 is the distribution center for this corner of the galaxy. All raw goods, manufactured items and luxury goods pass through Wal-Targ 3 for processing before entering the wider market. Every merchant ship in the system is either en route to Wal-Targ 3 or leaving it. This makes Wal-Targ 3 a target rich environment for piracy.

The actual planet is a dreary place. Every inhabitant is a Wal-Targ employee working poverty wages to maintain their existence. This makes the area ripe for bribery by enterprising pirates as well as a good location to recruit desperate cutthroats who will gladly slash a throat instead of slashing prices.

The current governor is Sam Targ v24. Like all Wal-Targ planets, the governor is a clone of the Wal-Targ founder. When he dies, another version is decanted and put into service. This allows Wal-Targ 3 to benefit from Sam Targ’s legendary financial ruthlessness and hatred of organized labor. However, some genetic drift has been introduced into the clone line and Sam Targ v24 has been showing signs of an irrational obsession with keeping trench coats in stock at all times at all outlets which has greatly altered fashion choices in the surrounding systems. Genetiscts hope to correct this when Sam Targ v25 is decanted.

Be sure to avoid FoodCourtia, the Food Court city. It is common place to send problem Wal-Targ employees who will serve a lifetime of providing food to others. The murder rate is insanely high and the food is worse than on a Hishen slave ship.

Public Service Holovid: Space Pirates and You

“Hi kids, I’m Lt. Buddy, your Space Navy friend! What are you doing today?”

“Hi Lt. Buddy! We’re thinking about joining Space Pirates! They do cool things and they get paid a lot!”

“Oh no, kids, that is a bad idea! Space Pirates are not cool at all.”

“What do you mean, Lt. Buddy? I thought pirates get all the girls!”

“They only get the bad girls, kids. They get the bad girls and they get Space Herpes which make you poop your insides out.”

“Oh wow! But they save dogs and save the world, right, Lt. Buddy?”

“No, kids, they don’t! Space Pirates are a drain on the economy by disrupting the chain of production. They promote bad hygiene by not following spaceship protocols and cause plagues to break out on worlds that harbor them. Space Pirates often kidnap small children and make them do horrible things to their special things.”

“Oh my gosh, Lt. Buddy!”

“It’s true, kids. So if you see a space pirate, what should you do?”

“We should report them to the authorities using our local government sanctioned communication channels!”

“That’s right, kids! I’m Lt. Buddy and I’m from the Space Navy so you can trust me!”